An Open Letter To The Western Provinces
“Driving is boring... but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.” – John Updike
Hiking at Mount Robson, the highest peak in the Canadian Rockies. Photo by: Miles Gordon.
Dear Western Canadian Provinces,
In Fall of 2021, my girlfriend and I packed our lives into a Honda CRV and visited each of you. Before this trip, I’d never travelled west of Winnipeg. I’d been told there was no point, for Winnipeg was the greatest city in Canada. With its merciless winter and unmatched homicide rate, nothing compared to Winnipeg.
We were disheartened to leave The Peg, knowing the rest of Canada paled in comparison, but, Kate and I are adventurers. We’d accomplished many bold feats, like , and eating Pizza Pizza’s pizza. The point I’m trying to make, Western Canadian Provinces, is we were ready to explore you with open hearts
We spent over a week inside each of you, which sounds like something you’d read in Sting’s autobiography. We travelled slowly, leaving ourselves time to explore, but this journey was not aimless. Our destination was British Columbia- I’m sure the rest of you hear that a lot. We were visiting my brother in Valemount and I was excited to see the mountains in the flesh, for the first time.
Look; I addressed this letter to you as a collective, but you’re individuals. It would be unfair to treat you as one group. Lumping all of you together would be like referring to Chris, Liam, and Luke as “The Hemsworths”; it’s easier, but two of you would be riding the coattails of the one who’s clearly the best (Luke).
Our route from Wawa, ON to Valemount, BC, via Saskatoon and Edmonton.
Dear Manitoba,
Aside from Winnipeg- AKA Earth’s Valhalla- there wasn’t much to you. A guy name Brandon lives somewhere and somebody landed a plane after it ran out of fuel at 41,000 feet. People told me the pilot of The Gimli Glider’s was a hero, but it sounds like in hockey, when a goalie gives the puck away, then makes a spectacular save. Sure, great play, but let’s not ignore the fuck up. Anyways Manitoba, make a few more Winnipeg’s and I’ll be back ASAP.
Dear Alberta,
‘Berta, you’re pretty sick. The West Edmonton Mall - AKA Wonderland of The Prairies- is delightful, your scenary is stunning, and you give the rest of the country sweet, sweet oil, which we all pretend to be mad about, despite the fact we’re all so very addicted.
My biggest beef, Alberta, is that you’ve got to start exporting better citizens to the rest of Canada. The trades are one sided. Ontario gave you Connor McDavid to help your struggling Oilers and you gave Ontario Tamara Lich to throw a month long party in Ottawa. Grant it, she booked some wicked entertainment, but that is not a fair trade. Tell you what; give us Bret “The Hitman” Hart and we’ll call it even.
Dear British Columbia
You are the Katy Perry of provinces; you’re hot, then you’re cold, and anyone who has spent time inside you develops a superiority complex and hosts podcasts with pseudo-intellectual names like Under The Skin. BC, relax with the “No Car Camping” signs in all your parking lots. I thought you were the laid-back, mellow province? I guess not, since every year you go all climate change martyr, engage in self-immolation, and displace thousands of your residents. Here’s some advice in your native hipster language: Chill.
Our circuitous route from Valemount, BC to Toronto, ON, via Nelson, Calgary, Drumheller, and Regina.
It was so nice getting to know each of you and I will be back soon. It’s important that we stay in touch so that we don’t develop misconceptions about each other. I would never want you to be under the impression that I don’t appreciate you; after all, as Red Green always says, “I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.”
Sincerely,
Brady Coyle
P.S. Dear Saskatchewan,
I completely forgot about you. Like as a concept. I feel bad, but can you blame me? You’re the geographical equivalent of Janet’s void in The Good Place; you’re a boundless nothing. I travelled across you twice and I don’t recall anything. You should change your motto to “a means to an end” because anyone who stops inside of you is stretching their legs or fuelling their car. You’re so dull, the only thing you thought to put on your license plate is, “land of living skies”. If you’re trying to convince people that you are worth visiting, your main selling point needs to be better than “we can see space”. I do appreciate the canola oil though.